All About IVF
My dear kid
You must have returned from pre-school by now. Hope you didn’t find it too hard to be without me. But I did. I wasn’t okay without you. I am not still, and I will never be. Every day when I wave goodbye to you two, I feel like I am cleaving an inseparable part of me from my body. I bear the pain all day until I get back to our apartment and you come running to me and put your arms around me. Then I feel okay.
I won’t say I haven’t thought about it. The decision is hard for me. I have thought about it several times. I am thinking about it still. I think about it whenever I hear you refusing to eat until I come over the phone at lunchtime, I think about it whenever I see you making a sad face at me behind the glass window of pre-school, I think about it whenever your nanny calls me to tell you are crying or you have hurt yourself. But it’s an acid test for me. From the moment I realized that you are coming, I told myself I would manage everything. I decided no matter how much pressure it is, I wouldn’t leave my job. I promised no matter how much responsibility it is; I won’t be less of a mother. I never thought it would be easy. And I am trying. At my heart, I know I will never leave the job. But, just for those moments I just mentioned, I feel like maybe I can save you from those pain if I sign the resignation letter. But I won’t do that for your future.
It’s not because of financial reasons. It is because I want you to see how better you have made me. You guys are unaware of what magic you had brought into my life. I feel completed now. The girl who used to sleep till 9 and eat cereal to avoid the fiasco of making breakfast is now the woman who wakes up early to make sandwiches and toasts for you. The girl who couldn’t tie shoelaces of her own now polishes shoes of her and other people that are too not at the last moment but with enough time. Days are now long enough to take care of me and others. That’s how you made me a more productive person. I don’t wait for the deadline anymore; I finish it as early as possible in the office. I am not the slothful mess I was before. I am much more responsible and careful now about everything. It’s like a new and better version of myself was born with you.
Not only this, I thought I had been developed as a person too. I feel empathy towards people. I know your father calls me an emotional fool now because I cry watching baby pandas on Facebook, but little does he know it compels me to think about you. Those are not just anything. I believe those are my raw, most authentic human natures. I love everything now. I love the sunlight; I love the sky. I never run out of hope and positivity anymore. I feel infinitely powerful. That’s all because of you.
Kids, I want to know that I will never change myself. Because I would like you to grow up in a world where you can stay as you want. I hope I can give you the idea that I am following. You can be anything if you believe in yourself. Don’t just give up anything because you think you will not be able to manage things. Because you will. You will be able to manage two things simultaneously if you love them both equally.
The last thing, I want to ask you to forgive me if I make mistakes. Just because I have a kid and I also work full time, I am not a superwoman. This is life, kid. We all make mistakes. So please tell me when you need me and please note, if sometimes you can’t see me physically, your mother is always with you.
Love,
Your Mom
who is stuck in her office making the presentation all over again because you have drawn a dinosaur ( based on the shape I am assuming that ).
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